21. Divorce is hard on everyone. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. But the pain of all of it never really went away. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? },{ A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. I have had a similar situation. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. I went through the divorce process in a daze, devastated. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. It hasnt been that long. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. I believe it's one of the fastest methods of emotional healing and transformation available today; You can learn to use tapping on your own, or see a therapist who uses meridian tapping.The aspects of "guilt" and "regret" should be at the top of the list of "tapping targets" to work on. I will care for her as long as I am physically able, but I am so sad that I have to go through this alone, and one day, she will pass away and I will be alone in my pain and sorrow at her passing. Making choices so the kids like you. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. We had two teenagers a mortgage, a good life I thought. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. But we weathered storms, my children are now young men, and they will find their own way as we all must, with time. I feel completely abandoned and alone. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. Great article. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. The marriage deteriorated. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. I am not sure of what to do. "I think we are done", he says. I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. I too get sad in these all too often moments Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Our youngest daughters future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, Im sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. She is the single mother of two boys. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. I wish him a happy life after all, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. 0. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. The hurt will never quite go away. The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. Needing to be right. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. I am actually the one who left my husband. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. I did not handle the divorce well. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. I think that is because i still have a relationship with my ex not with him but with my refusal to let go of him. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Then my dream ends, and I wake up crying. Yes, I am male. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . } Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. Ive heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. I feel very lost again. Here is the bottom line, Sam, youre purposefully holding onto the pain. And yes, so much collateral damage. Every holiday my daughters have to divide the holidays, not just between us and in-laws, but us and the other us and the in-laws.