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I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. A little bit, mostly to servers who thought I might be lonely and often came over to chat while I was having dinner. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. Not everything is an abusive relationship, AAM commentariat. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. Agree with the advice for counseling. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). Oh thats my mothers thing, too. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. Business trips are the only time I like going to Vegas. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. He doesnt have friends. On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. +1 I think this is good advice! If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? Yes. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. Husband needs to chill, big time. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. I absolutely dread this. OP, go on the trip. going together would send the message that its an us issue. Pretty much. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. If someone tells my son, I am a thief, or. Fun for a night or two a year, too much otherwise. But don't worry, Daisy. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? 1. Same here. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Someone with this kind of insecure, controlling behavior could be sitting next to you 24/7 and theyd be wondering what you were thinking, if it got to that point. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and irrational fears about my partners safety, this is such a kind response and vivid description of how (otherwise) reasonable people can become unreasonable. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. But she did not mention that she had her picture taken with male strippers that she would never told me if hadnt found them. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. Its really hard to say without getting into his mind. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. He can express an opinion at most. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. I dated a guy like that! Marriage CounselingDefinitely. I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. The duration of the vacation. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. OPs husband sounds like my mom. I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. We took turns driving and stopped whenever we needed to fill up with gas or have a break, and if LO started crying and needed to be fed, we'd stop then, too. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) Street photography! For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. There are people whose mind translates any answer all, from Hmm okayhow bout that Topic Changers vs. Distractors game? to NONONONONO! OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. He wasnt healthy for me. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Super reasonable! So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcomo llegar a los alpes franceses husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. I worry about things constantly. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. I will never ever return or step foot in an obnoxious casino. I also had this thought. and getting an emergency beacon. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). A year? I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. And its great he enjoys the time alone, we get to talk about interesting stuff weve both done when I get back, we both get time to decompress in ways which benefit us the most. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. In a healthy marriage, there is no spouse v. spouse, and theres room for career, hobbies, friends, etc. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. That doesnt seem fair! A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. We felt safe walking around at 2AM. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. Its not just a place to go party. Im rooting for you! If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. Fine with me. He would also get mad at my mom for not responding to his texts even when he knew she was driving somewhere. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. But, sometimes there are letters that just make me want to scream. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. With NUNS. You can get really great meals there. I actually disagree. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. Talk with your partner about why hedidnt invite you along onthe trip. OH MY GOD your husband makes me so pissed. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. You go on trips, no one lets you go. She visited exactly once, got off in a suburb where the homes start at 300K and started screaming about getting shot at. arent at all limited to Vegas. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. Assuming you havent given him real cause for those worries (like a history of cheating), this is insulting to you and awful for the health of your relationship. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. The ugliness. Forget $200, I once needed to add a night to my reservation at the Rio last minute.it was $20. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. Good luck to you in standing firm. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. If youre not and this is out of the blue, it really sounds like his anxiety is getting the best of him (especially with the note about kidnapping), and he might need more individual help. Yeah, my cousin isnt allowed to travel without her husband. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. Those were a big hit. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. Right? It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). You can add it up to four. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. Dont get hit by a car!! At work? In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally!