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I do not know how much longer I can hold on.I am thinking of divorce almost everyday! She is an interior designed by training. And I am wondering whether I should also tell him soon, to go back to his parents place, get himself sorted out and then if he still wants me, to come back and we can move forward. Husband hasnt been serious about finding work and we are going to be homeless in less than 2-3 months. With every new position he took a pay and benefits cut he is currently making $10 an hour with no benefits. I calmly told him I was almost ready to remove myself from his life (lets face it it wasnt mine) and he could keep the house that Id paid for and everything in it, plus the car I had to buy him to try to find work. I dont go out much and Im just drained. Whereas my Mercedes (car) is driven by my husband. I tried to get a full-time job, but was turned down because I had been working part-time for too long. You have to look after yourself first, and never hook up with someone who does not try to carry their own weight so to speak. Yes, that sounds cold, but are you happy dealing with this for now until infinity? Boy have times changedand not for the better for women. My mom tell me now that he have tp hear lots of rubbish things from dad because of me because i am not having a job. Now I am extra disappointed that so many of these chores still fall to me on top of my demanding job. Keep on going to church and keep up social responsibilities amid the week. I send my love to everyone out there experiencing the hopelessness of their situation. I work so hard just to get us from motnh to month and theres never any security let alone any moment when I can get past the stress of having to do this! My husband occasianaly mows the lawn or fixes something in the house but of course that doesn't happen every week. I work a dump job, do all the cooking, pay all the bills, take care of son. Why ? Have You Tried Eating an Orange in the Shower? I have been with my BF for the 7 years. I was good student in school but after that due to my hearing problems i was unable to make a good out put in my 10th and 12th i found many difficulties in my path i have never given up. My work can be quite stressful and I feel there is no reward which makes me unhappy. i have read many of these comments. The unemployed partners above need to get over themselves and self pity and work at anything as well as studying again. His mother is sending me money to help pay bills each month but she shouldnt have to. He had just returned to town after having a bit of midlife crisis. I dont know what to say her i am going into a very bad depression now. About 4 years ago she tried to enter another field which required money for school. Women in marriages or cohabitating relationships are still doing the majority of the household labor and child care. I lost my full time job but found a part time job that barely pays the bills. I cant do this much longer! Its a little overwhelming. I just need him to help me to alleviate some of the stress of barely breaking even each paycheck. I make 77K and we use a food pantry. When I come home exhausted I have to study too for my post grad training. If this is the case, you have a few choices. But one mum has found herself struggling to cope as her partner is "so lazy" he refuses to lift a finger to help her around the house. My parents have offered to help out but were holding out hope that something good happens soon. Nither the least he quites his job while him out on maturity leave from work. I dont know. How long do we have to support someone who, as much as we love them, cant seem to pull themselves up by their bootstraps? Because thats easier said than done, we asked Smith and other therapists to share the exact advice they give when this issue comes up in their offices. I even hired him a career coach and SHE is frustrated with him. My whole problem is; he doesnt seem to think my feelings are warranted! only on computer like the guy for 9 years, now 4 more, while I work 3 jobs 4 years. If i bring it up i am the selfish one etc bla bla bla. We've been married for years and he still won't do housework. What do I I experienced the terrible economy. Losing a home we had created, my marriage, my closest friend, his family, and an idyllic lifestyle because I had been too pigheaded to work at a certain type of job led to a massive depression. He refuses to look for a job coz he says he believes in what he does and all he needs is my support. Either keep it in the bank, or hidden in a safe place at home where he wont find it. Maybe your ex is not the right person for you. I keep my complaints to myself and keep trying to be uplifting but its hard. Jesus Christ. I have never been out of work this long, the longest was 3 months, but in those 3 months, you can be assured the house was never cleaner, all meals were prepped from scratch (no takeaways), and I was happy for him if things went well. He is a MAN. heres an idea dump the boyfriend and stay single. Communicate to one another about what your priorities are when it comes to household chores. but won't allow you to pay for them to get done. Try to recognize how he got to you and be more discerning next time. My DH is a workaholic and works about 80 hours per week, I work full time 40 hours. She spends most days playing video games and watching netflix and has no ambition. I feel very bad in this and i am going into depression dont know what to do when mom tell me this . I think what if something were to happen to me? Thank God, I have a good freelance job which pays enough to make the ends meet. He keeps the house relatively clean. Yes Ive become a b%tch too ..we have to share one car and life feels like its not worth living .. He seems ignorant that because hes home a lot the heating and electricity bills are higher than when I lived alone, that my food bills have gone up. In reality, youve created the expectation that youll bear the burden and have established that role in the relationship. How can anyone afford any of these self care suggestions ( besides the prayer one) if they are only bringing in ONE income?? Wow. Not an email. Not just for yourself, for your family as well. I get really tired of being supportive, and Im literally exhausted trying to hold all of this together. He lives in my house, I pay for all the expenses, including the two kids full time child care. dump these guys and go for working men. Unemployment is a downright monster. Its really like people had me type cast as their loser friend or loser relative and attempts to change that were met with resistance. Every. And the worst part is all of this is very isolating. Dear All The fact is, though, Covid-19 has taken women's roles back to the 50s . Dump his ass, any guy who truly cared for you and was on the same page is going to work at Walmart and make no bones about it as long as his girl says she respects him and loves him no matter what job he has to take for now. All the while his wife, my sister, worked 40-50 hours per week, to support the family. I just want to see a smile that i havent seen in more than a year. He was furious. He said that he enjoyed doing these volunteer work, they did make him feel stress. So I made the very bold journey to the UK and stayed in a bedsit to see if I was employable here. I really thought this was normal (were Hispanic). I even paid for an online class for him. It has put a lot of stress on our relationship and the worst part is he isnt very good at talking about his feelings so I think he keeps it all bottled up and when I do need money he now starts to get really frustrated when I ask which makes me feel so guilty and terrible. Around 6000. When she met her current husband, she was 32. dont let the rest of us down by lowering your standards for men who wouldnt do jack for you in reverse. Youre just starting out good and you alright have a bum trying to weigh you down with his problems. There are no jobs in that area.. All the while Ive worked thru surgeries, broken legs, rolling around In a chair at work just so we could survive ..he doesnt cook but did get better at food shopping. Women Breadwinners Still Do Most of the Family's Chores - The Atlantic I was being looked after royally we built a stunning home and had holidays and I had a ,lovely husband. OMG..I am reading these posts and am just mortified. I pay for everything. I feel like a complete fool sometimes. because I have to work my a** off everyday and take bulls*** to make a living to support us both. This means either I cook or we have to buy takeout. He is afraid to leave the house, much less work in a public setting, and has had several severe panic attacks just from minimal exposure to strangers. It was not the lack of money so much as these other 3 factors. I live off nothing now. I breathed such a sigh of relief since we just got notification that he has passed through the entire selection process and will need to report to HR for full time training in February. Make sure you have a copy of the lease as it stands he is a visitor and has no domicile rights. Well, now we have two kids, rent a basement apartment, and most months live hand-to-mouth, because not only can he manage to work all year, he is crappy with his money too, and I make less but usually end up contributing more. He wants me to provide liqure,gas money, pocket money ext. His brother in law, a hard working man, recently offered him a job which he declined. He doesnt want to save any money back for emergencies. Id have someone paying for half the cost of living rather than paying all the bills for two people (plus more if there are kids). If you become single,you may need to give up yr full time work to look after the children. In the real world, you probably need to speak up about the inequity here. It blows my mind. Husband and housework?! | Mumsnet I cannot be his world, I cannot be his sole source of good self esteem, I cannot listen to the constant complaining. "Being in the car for the call is good; if it's bad news it allows me to decompress before I get home, so he doesn't have to see me worry," she said. Youll find that many ideas can cross multiple realms: Mental: Attend individual and/or group therapy. FYI the law wont help women. Pinging is currently not allowed. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. Rather pleasant posting. I've heard this argument a lot, from the husband's side; "my wife doesn't cook or clean!" From the wife's side; "I shouldn't be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning!" This is a hotly debated topic, but one thing I do know - when one spouse isn't pulling their weight, the marriage is likely My Wife Doesn't Cook or Clean! how sad that women have allowed themselves to be pushed so hard against a wall like this. I am just SO disappointed with him and cant believe that he would not be working around the clock with odd jobs to take care of his family. I just turned 30 and I knew I wanted a family and man I can count on. I really loved reading your blog. Still, she is suggesting a Trial Separation whereby I would leave, allow her to live under a stress-free home, and go off and find myself, a job, confidence, etc. Ive spoken to him about it before but he has always somehow made it out as though Im being insensitive. It is somewhat relieving to know that I am not alone. So thank you for that and I hope we all see some light at the end of the tunnel. He is driving me crazy! The impact of male unemployement affects female partners too.Fairfax. I understand you Robin, you are not alone. On the great days, examine what makes them great and conceptualize approaches to keep up positive energy, hitting the sack at a sensible hour, rising together, morning exercise, supplication time, and so forth. I also have 2 children from my first marriage. ", Other women commented on the increased pressure they felt to make sure they kept their own jobs, even if it meant tolerating horrible bosses. I, however, finished a degree, have maintained upward mobility, and now have full- and part-time jobs, both of which I enjoy. How about living with a chronically unemployed person who cant keep a job (always getting fired or quitting) who has no life outside of work? Yep, Im that stupid. I dont like myself much these days. My partner has been unemployed for almost a year. Any thoughts? Go figure. I am 52 years old and tired. Others gained weight, lost sleep, and silently endured mental anguish. I know he looks everyday and I get that he needs support, but its depressing for me as well. I guess my point is that I am building up resentment, but I feel I cant express it. Ive stayed with her even though she cheated for the first few months of our relationship, I put myself in debt to help clear HER debt, had to put my education and goals on hold, so that I can work full time to support both of us. I have been with my husband for nine years. I love her but Im so beyond tired of the same old, same old & nothing ever changing or improving for her. I dont think he understands how depressed and alone I am feeling. X. I have worked at a part time job for 6 years. I so understand the resentment. When they enter into relationship, they do not expect their partner not working for long time. Not even temp work. As youve read, these people dont/wont change, but you can change how you feel and what you do to get back your freedom. He has read all my emails and drives me crazy about my past. Ive done everything myself. Id love to go on and on, but lets just say Im jealous of women whose spouses are gainfully employed. He has a son from a previous relationship. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. My female partner and I have been together for over 2 years and in that time she has been employed for one or two weeks. No way would you ever sign up for that if the guy was truthful to you In the first place. My boyfriend has never been able to keep a job. I really love him and have tried all the methods of encouragement, helping with starting new ventures all which led to nothing or no success or income. Respect, responsibility and appreciation. If I suddenly won the lottery would I be the good guy again? They only want to find some meaningful job Particular for these who has had a good career before. He found a part time job at a retail store in the meanwhile while the selection process continued. He was raised in a very traditional household where his mom was a homemaker. He has contacts that ask him to help with functions that pay well but they are usually (almost always) out of town. Well, Im ready to feed my dreams and I am about to have the TALK after the holidays. Husband Refuses to Work - Focus on the Family I am mostly referring to the men who have been out of work for years, not just a few months. He is a genuinely good person and I'm still in love with him, I just feel like he has some serious depression going on, and probably has our entire 11 years together. Yet, only one of us gets paid for it! Another common response among the study's participants was behaviour modification. Worst of all, as much as I try to hide how I feel, she cant help but know how dissapointed I am in her! Their biological mother is an unemployed alcoholic, who is only occasionally involved (by her own choice) in caring and providing for them. I think that I am quickly reaching the end of my rope with by DH who has been unemployed for 2 years, going on the 3rd year now. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Thanks for not judging, I feel better knowing other strong people also feel weak when in this situation. I think he just wants to live on my unemployment which is not enough for rent, bills and food. And yes, honey. I also had not sold my home in the UK due to the financial crash so still had one leg there. Go away and blast meI dont care. There is a difference between a spouse and a lazy ass. Without a doubt, unemployment does eat at your confidence. After reading half these stories Im too exhausted of everything to write out my own. Done. Ive posted several times over the last few years and am in the same situation. ContI made good grades, but I debating on grabbing a certificate. Im 50. Now all this Im saying there are reasons why I married him why I chose him he loves me and our son he fixes things and is a protector but I dont know if that is enough anymore. And, because I wasnt strong enough to get rid of him when there were red flags I stupidly signed a lease with him and now I am stuck supporting my ex-boyf who refuses to move out or pay his fair share. He doesnt contribute to our household, but pays for his brothers cable bill. I am working full time now on maternity leave. But i tried to be strong, i have let it go and o have thought she was never mine but i could not forget her. I am frustrated with him as well, because if I lose my job, we will be homeless, and he will not have the luxury of avoiding potential covid situations. I need someone who can hold their own so we can help each other. But I am so tired. It is what it is. The only answer I can come up with is, more responsibility in the context of a marriage. You can ditch your "tried broaching the subject" tactic and communicate better with your husband: "Maybe this is right for our family, but it really bothers me that I . But I felt inferior and struggled with that. I feel so trapped and alone most days. My husband was let go from his job a couple of months ago. I have supported our family solely on savings for over 3 years he got 2 small technical internship jobs which lasted only 4 months each and in the last year & 2 months we have had only 6-8 months top of his employment. He does contribute SOME things, and he does love the kids. Its not affordable at all. In the meantime, DO NOT give up! Sorry if you want to talk my email should have been sent to you,, i feel your pain ,. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. 0. $30,000? In other words, each of you is a complex, multifaceted human being who remains healthy as long as your mental, physical, spiritual,and relationship states are receiving attention. Youll question them for a while how can they be such idiots and not see the value I can bring? But shortly and especially if this happens more than once youll start to question yourself. He said hes always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. Work together on problem-solving. I work at home as a medical transcription. If you the children are not an issue,there is no reason not why dont you separate with your partner. i think so, as an sahm i expect to do all the housework. I am a trained teacher but I homeschool our children so I dont want to leave them to do paid teaching. By way of comparison, prior to the gender revolution, a husband's employment status made barely a 0.1 percent difference. I am feeling pretty jaded! I dont want to work in the job Ive got but I know I cant leave as I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills we have no savings as every time I get close to being able to put something aside an emergency crops up with our daughter who lives away at university and I have to fly out to her or pay for her flight back to us. Im here all the time. Because of my job we moved back to the US after living overseas for his job, I moved back to a new position with my company when his job became in jeopardy. He has no skills expect tying steel wire. i couldnt fill that much time with housework? I feel like I pay for everything and he nothing. Did i mention i have to pay for its instalment, the insurance and gas? Wow. Ive been in this relationship for 6 1/2 years and he hasnt worked a job for most of it..3 months here, almost 2 yrs of unemployment benefits ( which all through I was calmly pointing out isnt income but a benefit for hard times )then 3 months there and 6 months unemployed and not looking. I dont want a cush life, I just want to have less struggle. I moved there and collapsed with the stress of the preceding years of working too hard, doing too much etc.